5 YEARS OLD…

 

 

When I was 5 years old

I used to watch birds fly

Flapping their wings

And producing dulcet tones

I used to inhale the fragrant air

There was some mystery around

I saw people walking and not rushing

Meeting each other and discussing

A sense of wonder was there in all eyes

There was a bird’s nest in my house

I saw the bird and its hard work

When it carried every single twig

And build its home

I was left amazed

By that creation

Today, when I see buildings rising high

Floor after floor

I miss that sense of wonder

I live on the 25^th floor

And yet it doesn’t seem implausible

It’s been 20 years

The dulcet tones are hiding

Behind the mechanical and religious sounds

I enter the elevator to reach my apartment

I am not amazed by the elevator

I am just happy that I don’t have to climb the stairs

It is all so comforting

But not surprising and wonderful

I enter my house

Open the window

A bird flaps its wings

Flies to the corner of another building

Brings a twig from there

And twig by twig it builds a house

I just sit near my window and look at it

I am amazed at it

With awe and wonder in my eyes

I am 5 years old again.

I never want to see the sun.

 

 

The sky has gone from azure to black
Winds are tempting the hidden desires
The muddy roads are spreading a fragrance
Stress is dissolving in the coolness around
Shouting and screaming, I just want to run
It felt like I never want to see the sun.

When the light was bright and sun was in sight
People carried on their faces fake masks
There was hurry in life and deceit in action
Munificence was dying and emotions were lying
But as the light went out and the day was almost done
It felt like I never want to see the sun.

As I wake up, the sunlight caresses my face
My dreams starts suffocating in the air of judgement
My heart is racing, my eyes trembling in fear
My moves will be questioned, my efforts will be doubted
I go under my blanket, to hide and never return
It felt like I never want to see the sun

Fear corrupted imagination….

I fell down from the tree, in front of me there was a huge gate, it was so huge that I was not able to locate its summit.

A man was guarding the gate, he was very heavy, and in order to enter the gate one needed to deceive the man. I on the other end was svelte, with fear shining on my face.

I was a prosaic, my thoughts were caged, I was not able to comprehend the situation. The man was looking pernicious, his eyes were releasing maledictions every time he looked around.

The scenario seemed to me as ostensible, but I was not sure. I slowly walked down towards that hoary man.

As I got closer to him, he was getting bigger, his ferocity was killing my every single ray of hope. I tried to be amiable at first, but it didn’t worked.

I had no other way to go, all was beyond that huge gate. At one point I almost became vapid, the fear of confrontation was so much that I thought of dying.

There was a hole in that gate through which I was able to witness the magnificence beyond. That gave me some courage.

I ran towards that man and thrashed him to the ground to enter into that beautiful unknown world.

When I looked back that man seemed very small, I wondered why?

Earlier it was my mind which magnified him using my fear. But now I knew that I was fearless.

I woke up from the sleep.

In my imaginary dream I realized that my imagination of any problem is wrong, my imagination was magnifying itself using my fear.

It was the fear I needed to remove to get back my original imagination, which in my dream I did, but in reality I still haven’t….

Save the curiosity…

It was a really busy day, nothing special in particular, every day has been the same for him from last few years, how many he didn’t knew. His childhood took away his curiosity, actually it was not gone, it was there.

When we see stars in the night, they are always there, but we never notice them regularly,his curiosity was also there somewhere but was hidden behind the illogical answers which were living in his mind , the answers which were fed to him by the society.

The day started with nothing strange, all things were happening according to a plan. There was a sea of time, but not even a drop in that sea to fulfil his mind’s thirst of answers. Just one thing was missing, the realisation. The realisation of the existence of the almost vanishing curiosity.

He was taking a bath, he heard someone calling him downstairs, when he came out and looked, there was no one there. After few minutes when he was almost ready, right on time, he again heard someone calling him. He looked again, no one was there.

This made him a little scared, at first he thought someone was fooling him, but no one was around. He was getting really late, so he left those feelings and thoughts there itself.

On his way to office, he was not able to focus, some essence of those thoughts and feelings was still travelling in his mind, not letting him concentrate.

He decided to go again to his house and check, in the hope that he would find something, the curiosity which was lying sick inside his mind suddenly showed a sign of improvement.

He audaciously opened the door and checked, no one was there, he searched every corner of the house, but still found nothing. Finally he decided to leave again, and this time he was sure that no one was there.

As he was closing the door, someone called him again, this time the voice was more clear, he followed the voice, it lead him to a closed room. The room was dishevelled , it seemed it was not opened in the last few years.

When he unlocked the room, he found no one. He was terrified. The room was filled with books, books which were caged for years, the books which spoke with him when he was a child. Those books which gave him company in his solitude, the books which were completely ignored by him over the years.

When he saw those books, he was teleported to another world,a world of curiosity, a world of satisfaction. He was missing that world from a long time now. He was so involved in interacting with those books, he almost forgot about the actual reason for which he was there.

He took a book, went towards his garden and started reading it. No worry, no regrets, no commitments. It was as if he met with himself, he met with the one who was lost in the pages of those books.

He sat there the whole day, but no one called. No voice came. Though he had forgotten about it completely, but still no one called.

Only one thing changed, his curiosity was alive again, it was shining on his forehead, like the stars in the night, which are there always but ignored.

The voice he was searching in his house, was actually coming from within him, it was his curiosity calling him, saying to him that it missed him. And when they finally met with each other, the voice was gone.

Everyone gave him answers in the last few years, but no one actually understood his questions. His curiosity was dying inside him. It was only when he searched the core of his mind he was finally able to bring his curiosity back on its feet.

Because, the answers from outside can never satisfy the curiosity within…

That stopped clock……

It was moving continuously, without any interruption, it always did. And it has been really long since my wall clock stopped. It seemed that its crisp voice of motion in my silent room was trying to convey something to me.

I was trying to find the hidden message in that convivial sound, it felt like it was really tired. Yes, nothing strange, my wall clock was really tired of seeing me like this, my incorrigible attitude was troubling it.

It was heartbroken when it found out that I didn’t care about its motion, i didn’t care even about what will happen if it stopped. But even after I avoided its troubles, it understood me, it showered its benevolence on me.

Every minute its hand came back to its original position, the exact same position. I found it similar to myself, as I was also the same as before, no change or growth from last few years.

I was still starring at the clock, realizing what is its purpose, why it keeps moving on and on without reaching or stopping anywhere. Then I realized who am I to castigate the clock, when I am in exactly the same situation, moving without a purpose.

The clock didn’t had the ability for getting knowledge, but I did, then also I chose nescience.

With these thoughts in my mind, I was lost in a world, a world with no one but me and that clock, just interacting with each other. And suddenly I fell down, I looked back and there was no one there, the clock was gone.

When I came back again to reality, I looked at the clock, it stopped.
I now understood what it was trying to say all this time. It was telling me to get up and learn, to grow, to enjoy.

Though it stopped, but the time didn’t, it was still flowing in that outside world. And I was still sitting wondering about the message I just got from that clock.

I stood up and went outside, moving on with time, leaving behind my nescience to give company to that stopped clock.

It was strange though, a stopped clock started my time…

I too became selfish…

I was walking intrepidly, for others it might not be an audacious attempt, but for me it was. It is extremely scary for some to escape the serenity and enter a world of total chaos.

As I entered the room full of humans, the selfish ones, i was terrified, they were looking exactly like me, but were a lot different. Their nefariousness was shining on their faces, as if it was ready to grab my breath and knock me unconscious.

I went towards the most silent corner of the room, I knew that silence was the only one who understood me. But that maligning group of people snatched my silence away, they tried to interact with me.

At first I tried to explore my deeply buried gregariousness, but their confronting eyes thrashed my courage to the bottom. They pointed out everything wrong about me, my cloths, my looks, my colour, my inability to be presentable among elite groups, which they thought they belonged to.

The hardest part was searching a human amongst humans, who actually thinks of me as worth knowing, one who can justify my belief on myself, that I am able and equally valuable as they are. But what kind of self belief was that?

A belief doesn’t requires justification from others I realized.
I slowly walked out of the room, nobody noticed.

They all were still there, were looking for another loser to release their insecurity.

But I left one thing in that room, I knew now that it belonged there, among those so called well mannered people. It was my nescience that found a home in them,at least some thing reached where it belonged, all I now needed was to know where I belonged.

I never bothered about my belief anymore, I knew that no justification is required for your own self belief, for the first time I felt that I belong here, in this imperfect yet perfect world..
I didn’t even missed my nescience , which was with me for a long time, yes now I was selfish too..

life…..short or long ?

Life- short or long?

Life is too short, or is it too long?  This question is really perplexing , and one will get lost in it if he starts pondering about it. Well for some, it might not be that difficult a question, but it really is. When I was sitting outside in the garden, and I went into thinking about things, imagining things, figuring about why things happen, I ended up with disappointment due to the fact that I might not live long enough to witness reality in its novel form.

 

I mean there is so much out there, like if I wonder about how do we see? Well, it is quite simple actually. The light from a object reflects back to our eye and hence we see it, but the main question is how do we see light?  And suddenly I realize that I don’t know. I try to find the answer on the internet but I end up with no response. And then I start wondering, whether I will ever know about this thing. And slowly it becomes so frustrating , I lose all my interest in other things.

 

So life to me in those moments seems short, but there is yet another important realization. When I know that I have to live this short life with a lot of frustration, I tend to feel that the moments have stretched up a bit, and if I combine all those moments then life will become longer, since each moment of anger and regret seems to be longer than usual. So then what, is life short or long?

 

Later, after pondering about my two different realizations, I came to another important realization, the most important one. I now realize that, it is all relative, life is too short if we live, and too long if we waste it. As when I was curious about things, life for me was short. But as soon as I started regretting things, I found that each moment has become very difficult, and that seemed to me as life becoming longer. But life is actually the same, it is our perspective of it that makes it short or long.

 

Later I again went back to thinking, and now I was wondering which to prefer, short or long?  And that didn’t took too long, the options were quite simple. And anyone is free to chose whatever he feels is right.  So decide for yourself.

 

A short life with big moments of satisfaction and utilization of your mind and skills, and using them to unlock the unknown.

Or

A long life with moments of regret and frustration.

freedom to die….

There was a child, a normal regular child, with a bit of innocence and a charming mischievousness. A slight correction though, he was not perfect, and no one is actually, but his imperfect parents were really disappointed with him.

How dare he was so imperfect in the world full of perfect individuals, or should I say, why wasn’t he imperfect in a way like others were ? Why was he so different?

For the parents, his abilities were less important, they were more focused on his weaknesses. That was the starting point of his cutting away from this perfect world, so devastated was his self respect, he was standing on his feet, but from inside he was on his knees, completely thrashed.

His limitations kept haunting him forever, but his fidelity towards his parents was still prevailing. He thought as if he was caged in this free world.

They all were afraid of death, he was afraid of life. He was found hanged a few days later, going against his parents seemed a lot more  difficult to him than dying.

They judged him, ridiculed him.
But who cared what went on his mind?
No one.
We demand freedom to live and express, but for some,  being free is to die.
Why can’t we accept their freedom?
If not, then why in the first place create such violent surroundings that for one to be free, death seems to be the only option.
What is the point of your life, if it has to survive within the walls made from maledictions of judgemental people?
It takes courage to live, absolutely true, no doubt about that.
But have you ever wondered how much courage one needs to die?
Think for yourself..

know yourself…

They said I have no value, they maligned me, I heard them all. I replayed all the maledictions thrown at me again and again in my head, wondering whether if they were true. I knew they weren’t.

But I did not had the courage to walk intrepidly into my own path. It seemed far more simplified to just believe what others were saying.

That was the point when my gregariousness was swept away by my cowardice, I don’t want to be harsh on myself, but trust me, I am saying it very modestly.

How ignorant was I when I thought those people as the knowledgeable, It was not only my fault, I have been fed with enormous information from my birth, and I was so innocent that I trusted that information without any confrontation.

But there is something so unusual about time, it goes on, but with it a change is initiated, and when that change is manifested into reality, something incredible happens. And suddenly you notice that all those maledictions were actually blessings in disguise.

Now if I hear someone dictating me, or evaluating me, I just feel proud of my growth. I now don’t need to wonder about my abilities just to prove others.

Just one thing about which I still wonder, everything is same around, the level of ignorance too did not change, so how did I changed ?

And then comes the most important realisation , I was the same, exactly the same, I still am the same, just that I didn’t knew myself earlier.

When you know and understand yourself, the need for verification from others disappears.